You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
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The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*