You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
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boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Children of the corn 🌽
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Beards are a privilege, not a right