Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”