I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
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*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”