If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
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WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”