When libraries troll their patrons.
You Might Also Like
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
goldfish mafia
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Great game to play with friends
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no