Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
worst…sale…ever
it was a valiant fight
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
For anyone who needs this today
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.