It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
You Might Also Like
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1