doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
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Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
seems like a niche market
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.