Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.