Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
You Might Also Like
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Carpe DM
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*