Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
😂💯
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Finally, a door that understands me
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches