Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
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{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Who needs an Air Fryer?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord