normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
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CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
They got Raph!
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.