Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
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Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
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#parenting
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho