A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Single and childfree like Jesus
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Catercrombie & Fish
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story