I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
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The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
smartest karate player in the world
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
man i love columbo
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!