Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
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My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence