earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
You Might Also Like
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
We are the people our parents warned us about.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.