Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.