This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Truth
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
This is hilarious….
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.