Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
You Might Also Like
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
What my back needs
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.