“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
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*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.