Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Cool shirt 🙂
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Happy Febuary everyone!
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
What
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.