*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.