“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
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Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.