Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
You Might Also Like
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600