My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.