You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My loaf of bread looks terrified