[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
🛁
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel seen.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.