Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
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Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
why does this building look like a guilty dog
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar