Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫