therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Good morning, Twitter x
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
The best plant holders?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.