Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
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Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.