I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.