my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
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I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
nature’s most graceful animal
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
But I really needed water water water
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Breaking news:
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.