them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
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one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist