Computer: shutting down
Me: same
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.