Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)