Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
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Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.