Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
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walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.