We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
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me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?