NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
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My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.