I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
God has left this place
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”