[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
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I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
i will avenge u mr van gogh