A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
You Might Also Like
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Solving a traffic jam
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me