“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him