Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
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The funk soul brother
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.