Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
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girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
My dream job is getting paid to dream
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I have many caverns
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.