Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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where do you see yourself in five years?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
courtroom exchange of the day
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Brilliant!
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.